Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
