i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
