Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
