i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
