Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
