im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
