I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
