wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
meet me or not, i'm out of control
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
