I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
What a dumb baby whore.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
