i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
