I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
