i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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