One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
