Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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