We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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