I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
