Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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