i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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