You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
i out mim tonsoeep
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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