we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
