i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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