also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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