i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
