we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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