2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
