I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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