Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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