Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
