woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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