I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
