Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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