plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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