I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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