And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
