You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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