I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The feeling are messing with the penis
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
