My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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