She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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