how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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