When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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