I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
