Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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