If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
