oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
