Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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