so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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