Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
