my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
