I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
