You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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