I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
