you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
