Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
