I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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