I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
