I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
