its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
