Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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