There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
