That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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