He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Too much gin, very little bucket
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
