I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
