I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize