I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
