I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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